TOEFLのWritingをupしました

 

こんばんは。TOEFL Integratedタスクをやりまして、先ほど自分で見直して添削してみました。それを上げたいと思います。ただいまいち不明な点も多いのでもしアドバイスできるという方が居ましたらよろしくお願いします。

 

問題としてはRがゲームが子供に悪影響与えてる、ゲーム＝悪という立場。Lは子供が非行に走ったりするのはゲームのせいだけじゃないねん、他にも原因あるんやでっていう立場に立っています。

 

 The reading passage introduces that video games have a negative impact on children , but the lecturer casts doubt on the argument of the reading passage. He makes his argument from the following three perspectives: other possible causes of children delinquency, inability of teachers and a lack of supervision by parents and teachers.

First, the reading passage states that Children are stimulated by video games so much as to be hyper tension and they remain the condition even after they have stopped playing video games. Then, children show defiance to parents and teachers, the author says.  The author adds that video games have an addictive nature. Due to the addiction, children have been remained hyper tension even after they have stop playing them. The lecturer, however, suggests an idea that there are other possibilities to make children delinquent. He takes smoking and drinking as examples leading children go to bad behavior. He says children are always surrounded by many things having a negative impact on children except for videogames.

Second, the reading passage states children who often play video games have less concentration than do not. It leads to interruption of class because children are distracted to other things like ringing tone by cell phone. The author thinks the one of cause of class interruption is resulting from video games. However, the lecturer refutes this idea by showing children’s nature. He says that little children will not have concentration on one thing. Their ability to concentrate on one thing at the age is not enough to do one thing long time. He adds that the cause is not by video games, but by inability of teachers. If teacher can teach tactfully to children, they don’t be distracted by other things, argues the lecturer.

Third, the author says children are exposed by violence because video games include criminal and dangerous actions. In addition, these actions on game are virtually real. It leads children to be confused: What is right? What is wrong? The reading passage suggests that video game is a part of cause for children hard to distinguish things between right or wrong. On the other hand, the lecturer asserts that violent actions by children can be resulted from a lack of supervision by parents and teachers. He thinks that they can lead children to right path. In a nutshell, he says video games are a just game. the cause of delinquency of children is poor supervisions by parents and teachers. （They are to keep their children away from video games.）

 

 

こんなかんじですかね。赤いところは変な感じがするところです。

・a lackのaって要らない気がする

・defianceはshowでいいのだろうか。

・make children delinquentって変な感じです。Driveを使おうと思ったんですけどmakeにしてしまった。

・bad behaviorって微妙な気がする。もっとspecificにあらわしたい。misdemeanorとか使いたかったです。てかgoで良いんですかね。

・having~のところがしつこい気がする。affectingで良かった気がする。

・by showing~ 以前見かけた文を丸々使おうと思ったら思い出せなくて適当に使った。showより良い動詞がありそう。

・tactfully   skillfullyを使えば良かった。完全にミス。書き終わった後にtactじゃおかしいっしょってなった。

. In a nutshell  覚えたので使ってみた。でもTOEFLのWritingで使うのはどうなのか。In shortとかそっちの方が無難な気がする。

 

最後の一文はこういう文章を足したかった・・・という意味。無いと締まりが悪いですよね。

 

今のWriting力はこんな感じです。ちょっと時間overだったので早く書けるようにしたいです。